In one of my all-time favourite comfort shows, Sex and the City, one of the main characters, Miranda, during brunch with her three best friends, in a moment of frustration, asks, “How does it happen that four smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?”

As a woman in her late twenties, like Miranda, I have also felt the spoken and unspoken expectation to find a nice, stable man to “settle down with,” which has capitalized conversations, energy and time among my female friends. I have witnessed women around me complain about their singleness as though it’s a disease needing medical treatment. When did we stop being enough? How did our relationship status somehow close our eyes to the abundance of love within their lives, simply because it was not romantic in nature?

This feeling of somehow holding less inherent value as a human being because we are not attached to another human being (let alone a man) has significantly tainted our experience and fullness as women. Letting yourself be defined by a relationship misplaces the compass that directs us to authentic love. Simone de Beauvoir argued that, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” In this becoming, we have allowed our lust for “love” to interfere with our unfolding.

Love, in its truest form, does not ask for the erasure of the self—it asks for its flourishing. The danger lies in forgetting that you are already whole before another enters your life. The desperate search for wholeness is not found within the arms of another, but it is seen by realizing your hands are your own, made to remain open, not in the white knuckle grip of someone else’s. When one becomes so consumed by another that they vanish into them, love becomes dependency, and the soul, once expansive, begins to shrink. The self must remain intact, rooted in its own purpose, values, and dreams. In this way, love does not eclipse one’s identity but enhances it. A few years ago, I was heartbroken, battling the storms of disappointment and betrayal, alone in a new city. Through teary eyes and aching loneliness, I found comfort in the words of modern-day philosopher bell hooks: “When we see love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are destroying ourselves in the process.” I have been guilty of losing myself within another’s storms, losing sight of my own sunny skies. I say all this not to devalue the sacredness and essentiality of love in our lives, but rather to emphasize its importance with a caveat: romantic love is not the ultimate goal. But instead, the gentle consistency of friendship and solitude is where we build a foundation for what it means to be truly known, valued and most importantly, loved.

So, my dear sisters and friends. I hope and pray that you can discover the fullness within yourself. You are complete. Embrace the love within your life in all its forms. As Seneca wrote in his Letters to Lucilius, “Si vis amari, ama.”

“If you wish to be loved, love.”